Delayed Ejaculation

How To Make Love Normally

Just Why Do Ejaculation Problems Happen?

There are many theories about why delayed ejaculation starts, but some of the most plausible are, in fact, some of the most misleading.

1) Penile Insensitivity

You often read about penile insensitivity as a cause of ejaculatory problems.

But unless a man has had so many operations on his penis that the sensitive nerve endings have become buried under scar tissue, or unless he has some serious neurological problem, it's extremely unlikely that he will have anything other than a completely normal level of sensitivity in his penis.

Saying that a man's penis is insensitive to stimulation really means that the way those nerve impulses are processed in the brain somehow doesn't produce the right level of sexual arousal.

That's the level that catapults a man up to the point of ejaculatory inevitability, the level of arousal that will take him to orgasm.

There's absolutely no evidence for penile insensitivity as a cause of retarded ejaculation.

A lack of sensitivity in the penis is not likely to be a cause of this problem.

As I said, the problem is much more about how your brain responds to sexual stimulation. 

Since around one man in ten has a problem ejaculating, it's certainly worth giving this serious consideration.

2) Prescription Medications & Ejaculation Problems

ejaculation problems can be caused by medication for depressionCertain drugs are responsible for slowing or inhibiting ejaculation.

To start with, there are many prescription medications, as well as a number of so-called recreational drugs, which inhibit the ejaculatory reflex.

So if you having difficulty ejaculating, the first place to look is at any medication that you may be taking.

High on the list of suspects as the cause of delayed / retarded ejaculation are mood altering drugs for anxiety and depression, blood pressure drugs, and a number of others.

So check with your doctor, see if ejaculatory inhibition is one of the known side effects of your medication, and if it is then ask your doctor for an alternative which will not have the same impact on your sexuality.

3) "Idiosyncratic Masturbation Patterns"

This picture is of a young man enjoying solo sex - but his masturbation  technique may cause delayed ejaculation problems later later in life if he is too rough or vigorous.

In other words, a teenager may learn to masturbate by thrusting his penis against an object, or using hard and fast hand movements, which provide lots of stimulation and pressure.

In fact, they provide so much stimulation and pressure that it becomes impossible to ejaculate without that level of stimulation. And normal sexual intercourse can't come close to offering that level of stimulation.

Fortunately, this kind of "conditioning" of the body's response to sexual stimulation can be reversed, if you know how to do it.

That's part of the treatment program found on this website.

In some ways this is easier to deal with than other causes because it tends not to involve deep psychological or emotional issues like a fear of sex.

But, if a man feels shame and guilt about sex, that can be dealt with quickly and easily too.

4) Emotional And Other Factors 

emotions play a part in delayed ejaculationSo what about the more complicated cases?

Believe it or not, these do exist! And the most obvious place to look for the more subtle or complicated causes of delayed ejaculation is in the relationship. 

Yes, the sad fact is that sexual dysfunction can be a product of relationship difficulties.

By the way, I don't like the word retarded, an old fashioned word for delayed, even though I've been using it in this article, because it has various negative connotations.

But there is one thing about the word "retarded" which seems to me quite significant: the the concept of withholding, the idea of holding something back.

Because one of the things I notice in my work with men who have ejaculation problems is their general discomfort with emotional issues and intimacy.

Men tend to show this trait more than most: it's as though opening up, engaging fully with a partner is too scary; and then somehow the emotional withholding is translated into sexual withholding.

It's almost like the lack of ejaculation is an expression of a wish to keep a distance between you and your partner.

A useful way to prevent intimacy ?

In some ways the same can be said for the speed of premature ejaculation.

And in cases of both premature and slow ejaculation, a man may get around the problem by learning how to pleasure his partner manually.

Now, why would such ejaculation problems develop?

There are many possible reasons, as you might guess. The most common being anger, resentment, shame and guilt. Fear is a big player too.

But whatever the cause of emotional distancing, the effect is relationship problems and sexual difficulty.

Intimacy and great sex (even good sex) imply control of ejaculation.

intimacy is essential for a couple to deal with delayed ejaculationPerhaps the simplest way of looking at this is to say that when a man's not feeling fully intimate with his partner, he's not going to be turned on by her and he's not going to find her sexually appealing. Or at least he's not going to find her as sexually appealing as he would if he felt emotionally closer to her.

Resentment, too, is a big killer of sexual desire. And what I've learned over the years is that many men have huge resentment about the role they are expected to play in sex.

Even now, in these so-called liberated days, men generally take the role of leading and initiating sex. Often women make men responsible for "giving the woman an orgasm".

Often women are a bit more passive, choosing to receive, while letting the man be the active partner in sexual intercourse.

All of these things, and many more (as discussed in my treatment program), can cause a man to feel more and more resentment as time goes by.

Delayed ejaculation can affect any couple who lose emotional connection.

And a peculiar thing might happen: even though the man's feeling resentful and not particularly aroused when he and his partner get sexual, he develops a hard erection which is long-lasting, and he can make love for ages without ejaculating.

And he may feel he's the one who sustains sex within a couple and makes it happen, thrusting away furiously, but always resenting the role he's playing.

Another possibility: he may come to prefer self-pleasuring rather than partnered sex.

Some good news: if this happens to be you, you can get over this easily and quickly.

But be aware: the therapy for ejaculatory dysfunction - that's to say the cure - starts by dealing with problems in your relationship.

When a couple are willing to get together and do some simple things to increase their feelings of intimacy and connection, then the magic begins to unfold often enabling the man to ejaculate normally within a few minutes of intercourse starting.

Other pages on this site

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Supplementary Introduction Pages About DE

Introduction - Part 2
Introduction - Part 3


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Updated August 12, 2016


Books to read

New Sex Therapy

Couples Guide To Intimacy

Comment from - How To Have A Baby When Your Man Has Ejaculation Problems

Question: My OH suffers from delayed ejaculation and is unable to ejaculate inside me. However when he masturbates he is able to ejaculate and then manages to just about get inside me to release - I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this and managed to conceive? We would really like to get pregnant but not sure if it will be possible. We wondering if we should try insemination? Any advice or tips would be welcome.

Answer: Delayed ejaculation is in the vast majority of cases, a psychological problem, not a medical one. there are no drugs to help but counseling often does help, read the 2 links below.

Ejaculatory Incompetence
Ejaculation Delayed

It will be possible to conceive but it is a matter of when as he needs to overcome the mental block first, but counseling will be far the best way to get at the root cause.

OP: Thanks for this - however he swears it is not psychological as devoted to me and wants a baby and cannot explain why it is happening - it is now getting frustrating for him. He is 40?

Now all I want to know is whether others have experienced this and managed to conceive by holding on until he just managed to get inside me - I guess I want to know that we're not fooling ourselves.

Answer: As he can ejaculate with no problem when masturbating, I think he has a deep seated problem that he may not be aware of. Has this been going on for a long while or just recently started?

Another woman: My husband suffers from this - and I know how frustrating it must be for you. Especially, if like me you are constantly trying to be positive so that you won't stress him out more...

The good news is that we used the exact method you described and I got pregnant - beautiful 1 yr old to prove it. In order to not make a big deal of it, I used the ploy that we were just practicing, and if anything happened, all the better but no pressure.

At the same time, I knew my cycle well, so we went away for a few days around that time. Therefore, the sex every other day was more from a fun point of view. So you both can defintely do it. We are just starting for number two... hopefully it will work as good again.