Delayed Ejaculation Effects

As seen in the internet discussion forums

The Female Viewpoint

Interestingly enough at this point a woman chips in, saying that she's decided to look at the thread in the social forum so she can better understand her partner who's experiencing anxiety around his delayed ejaculation (DE) and sexual issues (he can't climax during intercourse).

She says that this forum's thread has certainly helped to understand how it must be from the man's perspective.

And then she comments about the female perspective:

She says she gets concerned when she sees him upset, she feels she should be doing something different to help, and then she claims that his defenses are pushing her away.

As a result, she feels unwanted.

One thing she's discovered that helps is communicating her love by discussing all the good times they've had together and what they really love about what about one another.

And of course that's all about good communication - which is always essential for solving difficulties of any kind in a relationship..

There follows quite a lot of discussion about feelings, and how one guy cried during a CBT session, and so on and so on -- all of which suggests that good therapy is very helpful. I mean, a listening ear.

 Video On Delays In Male Climax

The original contributor buys a fleshlight at this point while his girlfriend's away for a few weeks, and he finds that he can climax with it while thrusting, and even with a condom on: it's far softer in terms of stimulation than his hand, so he thinks he's making big progress.

We'll come back to him in a second because at this point another new contributor enters the debate.

This guy's problems are slightly different: he's 26, has delayed ejaculation - he's been married a year, but been with her for 10 years, although they never had sex in the nine years before marriage!

That strikes me immediately as significant, because it really isn't normal - and the question that arises for me is whether or not that abstinence was somehow helping the guy disguise his problem.

He makes the observation that he's masturbated every day since he was 12, in fact several times a day. He had a strange technique of rubbing the glans, because he had a non-retractable foreskin.

Does phimosis (a non-retractable foreskin as shown in the picture) cause delayed ejaculation?

Once the phimosis was solved he found he could come normally with masturbation, but he still couldn't ejaculate inside his wife. So he has delayed ejaculation, and even though 3 to 4 hour-long sessions of sex at the start of their marriage were fantastic, he now knows he's got a problem.

Each day he feels "lower and lower" because he can't enjoy the one thing he loves a lot!

There's something really interesting about the responses to this: there's more talk about social anxiety, there's more talk about cognitive behavioral therapy, there's more talk about yet another website where these guys have picked up some information... and me, I'm just beginning to think that really there's some sort of creative avoidance of the real issue going on.

Success in curing this problem is NOT achieved by following five different forms of therapy all at once!

In my opinion, it's achieved by having a clear intention to solve the problem, and then taking constructive steps to do so.

All these guys are talking about how they are a real "bag of emotions", how they all need to relax, need to sort their heads out, and so on - but somehow it doesn't happen... There's so much theoretical discussion going on, and there isn't much engagement with the issues behind the real-life sexual problem.

One guy makes the observation that ditching condoms helped him, and that is making a huge difference to his feeling -- and he also advises other men to slow down the strokes, really feel what it's like to be inside her pussy, stop pumping like a rabbit, and take long slow deep strokes.

That's all great advice and the common factor at work there is that the guys who do that are experiencing much more feeling than the guys who just take sex as a kind of task or challenge or problem to be completed.

Our original poster responds by saying that he thinks his brain has been been wired wrong by a combination of anxiety and excess porn use. But sadly, he's now using porn in a vicious cycle to relax himself!

Video - porn and difficulties ejaculating

Another telling point: he can masturbate to orgasm now in two minutes on his own, but even on cam with his partner watching it takes 8 to 20 minutes.

So yes, there is a mental factor at work when it comes to real sex - and what might that factor be? Anxiety, of course.

And at this point a guy chips in by saying that he's read the whole thread on delayed ejaculation and he found a post which nobody responded to: this was from a guy who said that his problem was due to his strict religious/puritanical background.

He felt that masturbation was very dirty because of his upbringing, and so even if he did masturbate, he stopped before he reached orgasm. Now, at the age of 24 he's never ejaculated in his life - and he also says he doesn't know whether or not this is because of this habit or because he's just a control freak.

And guess what? He was also a victim of sexual abuse. So there are many negative associations with sex: shame, guilt, abuse, anxiety.

When he did have sex with women, or try to, he found that he couldn't come, because of his anxiety about "getting a disease" or "getting them pregnant".

He also says he delays getting into a relationship because of the frustration that he sees coming ahead. And of course it's equally likely that he's avoiding getting into a relationship because he'd just be too anxious to do so.

And when another guy comes into the debate with a plea for help, our original poster makes the observation that it's taken him 10 years "to get motivated to do what's needed ... I'm not going to lie, a lot depends on how much you want to help yourself".

That, I think, is a very telling observation. There's SO MUCH anxiety around sex in men with delayed ejaculation.

Another interesting and very relevant contribution:

"Many of the men tend to have had a strict upbringing and are very controlled in their lives. Some have terrific drive and detachment, and have risen to the top of their professions. A surprising number have been in the finance industry. Some of them readily admit to having quite controlling personalities. Very often this is directed inward rather than at other people. They may have difficulty in showing emotions and in 'letting go'. Other possible factors include fear of causing pregnancy, fear that the vagina is dirty, over-strict religious upbringing and latent homosexuality."

And yet another from a different character: "I have a strong hunch that what's behind my problem is feeling vulnerable about being hurt by the woman somehow."

I know from my work on premature ejaculation with men that anxiety about connecting deeply with a woman, or revealing one's vulnerability, can have just as dramatic effect on a man's sexual performance - except in this case of course it makes him ejaculate really quickly.

So to hear somebody with delayed ejaculation saying that he thinks is problem is about his deep feelings towards women is a refreshing change because this is something that I believe firmly, and it's not really mentioned very often.

What's interesting, too, is that he says even when his woman's had a number of orgasms and he hasn't had one, he then begins to think that she might not care how he feels.

So that definitely indicates a lack of trust towards women. He simply doesn't feel accepted by women.

In situations like this it's so easy hard to conclude that the classic psychotherapeutic explanation of delayed ejaculation has all the truth in it: the somehow men are withholding their orgasm/ejaculation/semen to punish women for the emotional wounding that they've inflicted on the man concerned.

See psych forums for more information.

Last updated: Updated August 12, 2016

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Key Points

From - Male Sexual Dysfunction

The BASHH special interest group on sexual dysfunction has issued a set of guidelines for the treatment and management of delayed ejaculation.

This was published in the Journal of STD and AIDS 2006, volume 13, pages 7 to 13.

The article begins by referring to the fact that orgasm and ejaculation are not the same event, although they are usually contemporaneous.

One theory is that pressure building up as semen enters the posterior urethra triggers the ejaculatory reflex, while the associated feeling of pleasure which we know as orgasm is generated in the brain, although the specific area where this happens is not known.

In any event, we do know is that the inability to ejaculate, and the associated failure to experience orgasm, is much more common than has previously been thought.

Up until 2003, it was believed that the percentage of men experiencing delayed ejaculation in the general population was around 1% or less.

study in 2003 amongst general practitioners in London revealed that the real rate was closer to 11%. Whatever the actual figure, it's clear that many men are experiencing delayed ejaculation and these husbands or boyfriends can't ejaculate during sexual intercourse a problem for many men at any one time.


Updated August 12, 2016