How Come You / Your Husband / Boyfriend Is Having Difficulty Ejaculating?

Some More Answers.... Some More Explanations.

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About 1 man in 10 has a problem with delayed ejaculation - so you are not alone. Sure, there can be a few things causing this which is why you need a good guide.

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Types Of Emotional And Psychological Causes

Masters and Johnson - two sexologists back in the 1950s who started the world of real sex therapy - said that the most common causes of retarded (delayed) ejaculation were:

  • social factors like relationships, life events, personality traits and behaviors
  • developmental factors like traumatic childhood experiences around sex
  • conflicts of gender identity
  • troubled relationships between parents and children or between parents
  • negative family attitudes towards sexual matters
  • anxiety, fear, depression, guilt, shame and anger
  • low self-esteem
  • lack of sexual information or influence of cultural myths
  • a very poor body image
  • fear of relationship commitment
  • sexual performance anxiety
  • disassociation and spectatoring during sex
  • rigid religious attitudes and pressures which cause sexual guilt or avoidance of sex
  • hostility towards one's partner or oneself.

Relationship Issues: Self and Partner

delayed ejaculation

How's your relationship? Is it a factor in your sexual problems, do you think?

Relationship issues almost certainly have a role to play in causing delayed ejaculation. They may not be the whole explanation, but they are a large part of it.

A man who holds ambivalent feelings about his role as a man or partner in a sexual relationship may possibly "withhold" his ejaculation as an attempt to keep or increase power in that relationship.

And some psychologists say that a man who is over-controlled and fears "letting go" psychologically may symbolically hold onto his ejaculate as a metaphor for maintaining power in the couple dynamic.

But the intelligent explanation may be simpler: there may simply not be enough stimulation for the man to reach orgasm.

This could be because the couple are using the wrong technique or because they have simply become bored with their sexual repertoire.

Autosexuality

is autosexuality a cause of delayed ejaculation

Bernard Apfelbaum has done a lot of research on sexual dysfunction in men.

He believes that at least some men who have trouble reaching their climax during partnered sex actually have an "autosexual orientation": they prefer masturbatory stimulation by their own hand rather than any kind of sex with a partner.

He says such men are not being selfish: rather, he suggests, they may be over-concerned with pleasing their partners, because they focus too much on their partner's pleasure at the expense of their own.

That means they are unaware of their own sexual pleasure or arousal and don't "notice" or respond to the stimulation they are experiencing.

Apfelbaum called this "partner anorgasmia", because the symptoms of delayed ejaculation only show up in the presence of a partner.

The difficulty that a man with DE has in obtaining sexual satisfaction (or even sexual arousal) with his partner is hidden behind a hard and prolonged erection, but this physical sign of apparently high arousal is actually associated with low levels of sexual arousal.

Apfelbaum believes that such an erection is not really an expression of sexual desire and excitement, but an automatic mechanism which the man uses to fulfill his partner's expectations.

He notes men with retarded or delayed ejaculation seem to be driven by a desire to satisfy their partner rather than to achieve their own satisfaction and take care of their own sexual needs and desires.

They are in fact, too conscientious, too controlled, and too aware of their responsibilities during sex - which they see as satisfying and pleasing their partner.

This, suggests Apfelbaum, makes the man unable to satisfy himself, and gives the man an aura of being unable to enjoy sex, which in turn makes his partner feel that she cannot do anything pleasing for him.

This idea has a lot to support it; a recent study seemed to show that men with delayed ejaculation have significantly lower levels of sexual arousal than either men with other sexual dysfunctions, or men who can enjoy sex normally.

autosexuality may be a valid choice for some men

How do you like your sex? Solo or partnered?

And even so, we must bear in mind that there may be other factors at work here, such as a reduced level of penile sensitivity, a lack of responsiveness to sexual stimulation, or some kind of physical problem (painful intercourse or a foreskin stretched over the glans - that's called phimosis - for example). In general, though, these are rare.

Emotional Causes

Psychologists suggest lifelong delayed ejaculation can be explained by fear, anxiety, hostility, resentment and relationship difficulties.

So when we try and understand where a man's sexual issues come from, the first task is to establish if the delay in his ejaculation is generalized or situational (in other words, is it specific to certain places or activities or partners), and whether it is acquired or life-long.

This may affect how treatment is approached.

Speaking of which, various  treatments have been tried for men with delayed ejaculation, including vibrator stimulation, sexual exercises, and psychotherapy.

Masturbation exercises have also been used delayed ejaculation, along with psychodynamic psychotherapy, marital therapy, CBT, sexual skills training and psychotherapy.

But What Does This Really Mean?

over control as a cause of delayed ejaculation

Delayed ejaculation is often caused by over-control on the part of the man concerned.

Often men who experience this problem have had a strict upbringing in which sex was pretty much a taboo or shamed subject, and who admit to a tendency to be controlling in their own lives.

Needless to say, this sexual energy is often sublimated into other areas, so, for example, many of these men have a great deal of drive which has taken them to the top of their chosen professions.

However, this tendency to be over-controlling is often inwardly directed rather than at others - especially when it comes to sex.

These men may believe it is wrong to let go and show emotion, and they may have difficulty in showing their emotions in general.

In short, they find it difficult to "let go", where letting go is obviously a metaphor for releasing semen in ejaculation.

Thus retarded ejaculation becomes a symbol of an internal emotional process which centers on a man's inability to let go and experience free-flowing emotions in both life and, more specifically, in sexual matters.

There are some other factors at work, too: men may fear pregnancy, they may have some vaginal aversion, and they may have some degree of latent homosexuality.

Personality And Emotional Characteristics

Many men with delayed ejaculation seem to have a lack of self-awareness, and a tendency to externalize their feelings.

delayed ejaculation is a relaitonship issue

What's up? Not too interested in sex? Or talking about it? Or being intimate?

Their connection with their own sexuality is weak, and they may find the prospect of looking at their feelings to be an unattractive one.

There are often obvious connections between a man's historical life events and the current sexual problems that he faces, although he may refuse to acknowledge those connections.

Men often think that there must be a physical cause for delayed ejaculation because this is easier to cope with than the sense that inhibited ejaculation may originate in emotional or psychological causes.

They have also frequently have experienced disappointing sex or have a limited experience of sex.

Often men with DE have been brought up in an environment which cut them off from their feelings and acted to harden them psychologically and emotionally, a process which has been described as one of "toughening up" and battling against physical or mental weakness.

They have often not had complete or adequate opportunity at puberty to develop strong male characteristics.

On a more general level, sexual excitement or sexual activity makes us all see the world in a very different way from the way we see it normally.

Most men and women have a sexual life which is clearly defined and separate from everyday life.

Most of us can slip between the two with a greater or lesser degree of ease - erotic thoughts can intrude on everyday tasks, for example, or we can be distracted during sex by thoughts of everyday activities. But we move between the two without much difficulty.

However, for some men with delayed ejaculation, moving into the erotic world can be challenging - the erotic world may be seen or somehow felt as dangerous. 

Lack Of Sexual Arousal

Indeed, it seems that many men with DE wish to avoid entering their erotic world.

delayed ejaculation

But can you?

In many cases they may not even be able to enter an erotic world, having no concept of such a thing in their minds..... if they wish to be erotic, they create an environment which seems erotic, but does not come from their internal sexual process. There is, in essence, no arousal.

Men who can't ejaculate during sex may also have negative associations of male sexuality with violence and abuse. This also dampens down their sexual response. The power and vitality of their sexual life is weakened and their internal erotic world is unable to provide them with the arousal needed for successful sex.

Because aggression is a fundamental part of human sexuality, men who are turned off by aggression or violence will split their aggressive impulses from their sexual ones, and that further weakens their sexual desire and arousal.

However, an autoerotic occupation with fantasy and porn may be arousing enough to produce an orgasm during masturbation.

The consequence of all this is that men with retarded ejaculation may not be able to function sexually with ease: they may not, for example, be able to ask for what they want sexually; they may not even know what they want sexually.

They may not be accustomed to becoming aroused through the touch of a loved one, or they may not know how to get aroused by erotic stimulation. Because sex becomes mechanical and lacks real connection, they may develop behaviors which are essentially designed to avoid sex, including erectile dysfunction.

There are many theories about the origin of DE. But what makes it harder to assess which might be correct is that human sexuality is so variable. However, there are some common factors which are often seen in men with this dysfunction. You can read about them in the right hand column.

 

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More Information On The Causes Of DE

Emotional Causes Of Delayed Ejaculation ] [ More On The Emotional Causes ] Autosexuality and Masturbation ] Physical Causes ] Delayed Ejacultion: The Real Causes ]  

 

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Videos You Might Find Helpful - Causes Of DE

 


 

Key Points

Erect But Not Aroused?

The difficulty that a man with DE has in obtaining sexual satisfaction (or even sexual arousal) with his partner is hidden behind a hard and prolonged erection. His erection is often misleading - he may have a low level of sexual arousal.

 

Delayed Ejaculation: Key Causes 

  • social factors like relationships, life events, personality traits and behaviors
  • developmental factors like traumatic childhood experiences around sex
  • conflicts of gender identity
  • troubled relationships between parents and children or between parents
  • negative family attitudes towards sexual matters
  • anxiety, fear, depression, guilt, shame and anger
  • low self-esteem
  • lack of sexual information or influence of cultural myths
  • a very poor body image
  • fear of relationship commitment
  • sexual performance anxiety
  • disassociation and spectatoring during sex
  • rigid religious attitudes and pressures which cause sexual guilt or avoidance of sex
  • hostility towards one's partner or oneself.

 

Key Points

  • Often the symptoms of delayed ejaculation only show up in the presence of a partner.
  • Men with retarded ejaculation may wish to satisfy their partner rather than take care of their own sexual needs.
  • The man may seem like he is unable to enjoy sex, which in turn makes his partner feel that she cannot do anything pleasing for him.
  • A recent study revealed men with delayed ejaculation are less aroused than men with other sexual dysfunctions, and also men who can enjoy sex "normally".
  • Normal ejaculation time from penetration is between 2 and 9 minutes. 95%+  of men ejaculate in this timescale.

 

1 Men with DE often seem to have a disrupted relationship with their own sexuality

You could describe this as a kind of remoteness from self. It's almost like the man's ability to perceive his inner world of thoughts and feelings is somehow disrupted or blocked. This results in him externalizing feelings, especially fear or shame.

Sometimes this is caused by enormous emotional stress and some very painful life events which had a direct impact on the man at a time when his sexuality was emerging and his sexual identity forming.

They may deny this, or be unaware of it -  but often some of the most traumatic events a man has experienced centered around his introduction to the world of adult sexuality. And often he had an upbringing where battling against the environment and fighting to be strong was emphasized: in other words, he was taught as a boy that he needed to be tough, to be resilient, and to battle against all kinds of weakness.

2 The importance of normal male sexual development

Our society does not help young men achieve healthy sexual adulthood, in particular because there is usually no transitional space where a boy can experience puberty; in historical societies, puberty and the rituals and ceremony associated with it often functioned as a place where young men could learn more about the transition to adulthood and the adoption of adult male responsibilities.

female sexuality plays a major role in delayed ejaculation

Do you know how to deal with female sexuality?

 

3 Loss of an inner erotic world

A loss of the inner erotic world is another key factor in many men with delayed ejaculation.

One example of this is how we are all likely to do things when we are sexually aroused that we would not consider doing during everyday life. So sexual arousal changes the nature of our consciousness and affects our perception, and it is clearly important for a healthy individual to have an understanding of how these two worlds are different.

That's not to say they're always clearly differentiated from each other - you may well have noticed how, when you're bored, you can suddenly slip into an erotic fantasy. But a man with delayed ejaculation may find that stepping from the everyday world into the erotic world of fantasy or sexual reality is somehow dangerous or risky.

This is some kind of deep-rooted psychological issue with sex.

Because of this situation, the man's subjective erotic world may be either limited or inaccessible during sexual relationships with his partner: and at the same time, it's possible that a man may still feel safe enough to engage in "auto sexuality", either as sexual fantasy on his own, masturbation with pornography or Internet sex.

4 And so some men with delayed ejaculation will have difficulty expressing sexual needs...

...in other words, defining or expressing requests for the thing that would actually arouse them most.

The outcome of this is that sex becomes some kind of mechanical process in which a couple has lost all sense of giving and receiving, and perhaps also all sensitive sensory orientated touching for pleasure. A man may then develop erectile dysfunction or even begin to avoid sex altogether.

In some ways it's almost like inhibiting your own breathing: normally, breathing is a reflex response, but we have the choice to stop breathing or to change the rate at which we breathe. Some experts think delayed ejaculation is rather like this - that some kind of conscious inhibition comes into play at the moment where the body should be relying on automatic reflexes to move rapidly towards orgasm and ejaculation.

5 Deep subconscious inhibitions play a part too

If this is so, then why is a man with delayed ejaculation holding back? One obvious explanation is that the idea of coming inside his partner is, at some level, anxiety provoking or threatening: perhaps because of a fear of negative experiences like unwanted pregnancy, the memory of past traumatic sexual experience, or the fear of damaging or contaminating the partner during sex.

Or a man may have anxiety about getting (or not getting) his own sexual needs met; or perhaps he holds traumatic memories of "getting caught" while being sexual in boyhood; or he has had some other trauma that has inhibited his ability to express himself sexually.

Sex is not shameful, though, even if you were told it was!

To repeat, subconscious issues associated with delayed ejaculation might include the following emotional intelligence and explanations

  • fear of loss of control
  • anxiety associated with the altered state of consciousness that is associated with sex, orgasm and ejaculation
  • fear of embarrassment
  • sexual shame due to an inhibited sexual upbringing
  • some kind of conflict about a man's own sense of masculinity or around the belief that a real man doesn't show weakness, or vulnerability, even during the act of coitus;
  • a man may simply not be aroused enough because his sexual urges are focused on some kind of particular paraphilia or stimulus
  • it might be something as simple as the fact that he feels hostility and anger towards his partner or even towards women in general.
  • In all cases, these feelings can be traced to unresolved conflicts and psychosexual development which hasn't progressed normally.
  • Now, as you can see, most of these explanations for the causation and etiology of delayed ejaculation are fairly speculative, and they are certainly not easy to prove one way or another.

6 As you may know many men with DE display a high level of performance anxiety, feel very pressured to perform to a high standard, and have a real belief that it is their duty to satisfy their partner during sex.

7 Idiosyncratic masturbation

In some cases the causation of DE is very simple: a man has learnt, as an adolescent, to masturbate with a technique that requires high frequency and perhaps high-pressure movements -- in other words the man has actually conditioned his sexual responses so that only one particular type of touch, and often a very vigorous one, delivered in a particular way, is sufficient to bring him to orgasm and make him reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability.

How do you masturbate? Can you get the same stimulation during sex?

 

 

Updated August 12, 2016