It’s always interesting to browse through the forums on the Internet and read people’s comments about delayed ejaculation – also known as retarded ejaculation or male anorgasmia. Usually, the forum posts are along the lines of: “It takes my boyfriend for ever to have an orgasm. Even if we have sex every day, he only comes one in every three times. Is this normal? I feel bad about stopping sex before he’s ejaculated, but he always claims that it isn’t a problem and he still enjoys sex. What can I do to make things go faster for him?”
And the answer is generally along the lines of: “Ah yes, your boyfriend is experiencing a condition known as delayed ejaculation. It’s an uncommon condition, but not that uncommon, and it affects about one man in ten. If you discuss it with him, you may come to understand it better.
“Perhaps all he needs for a delayed ejaculation cure is a discussion with you about your relationship. On the other hand, you might want to try therapy. It’s always important to go and see a doctor in any case of sexual problems, so ask him to go and see his family doctor so that he can be checked out for any problems. It’s just possible that he’s got retrograde ejaculation, where semen flows back into the bladder instead of out of the penis.
“However, if he’s really not reaching orgasm with you then that’s something quite different. Start by discussing with him how he feels about sex and orgasm in your relationship. Even though men don’t like to talk about feelings, and particularly not about sexual feelings, this is definitely a case where you have to have a discussion. Even if he really resists, you are his sexual partner, and you are the one to help him open up and say what he’s feeling about this.
“There is some evidence to suggest that men who have delayed ejaculation may be withholding their orgasm because they don’t have the capacity to trust fully in sex. The outward sign of that lack of trust is that they can’t let go or release. In other words, holding on feels safer than releasing. Ask him about his sexual history. For example, has he been hurt by another woman? Although it’s the most intimate thing a man and woman can do together, for the man to have an orgasm inside the woman’s body, this may be too threatening for some men who have been mistreated or even abused in their childhood.
“Furthermore, if you’re feeling inadequate because he’s penetrating you for long periods of time but is not ejaculating, try and overcome those feelings and share time with him so that you can be close as a couple before you start having sex. You got to tell him that penetration that lasts for a long time without conclusion can be painful and make you sore, and is emotionally unsatisfying. If you can’t do anything else, take breaks during sex and try different sexual positions. Finally, if none of this works, try and persuade him to go for therapy – here are some helpful addresses.”
Well, this advice may be well-meaning, but it’s obviously inadequate. A man who has difficulty ejaculating during sexual intercourse is a man who has serious sexual issues of one kind or another.
It’s certainly possible that a man’s delayed ejaculation may have originated in childhood sexual abuse, but it’s equally possible that he finds it difficult to reach orgasm during sex because he adopted an idiosyncratic style of masturbation as a teenager, one that was so rough and provided so much stimulation to his penis that the sensations of intercourse are no longer enough to make him ejaculate.
In this case, a simple discussion with his partner about the origins of his delayed ejaculation is likely to uncover anything helpful, even if he’s willing to engage in a discussion about it, which is very unlikely since the condition is so personal and comparatively unknown.
So the first thing to be aware of is the fact that male anorgasmia is certainly a couple issue rather than solely the man’s issue. In many cases, women think that they may be the cause of a man’s delayed ejaculation – perhaps because they’re not attractive enough.
But retarded ejaculation treatment isn’t that simple: while it’s possible that a man is finding it difficult to achieve enough sexual arousal to reach orgasm because he doesn’t find his partner appealing, this isn’t the woman’s fault – it’s probably much more about the fact that the man isn’t happy in the relationship for some reason. This may be because he’s resentful, angry, hostile or emotionally withdrawn.
In such cases, the first step in curing delayed ejaculation is always about better communication between the partners, whether this is simply having a discussion like the one suggested above, or looking for more formal counseling or even couples’ therapy. The reason for this is that the delayed ejaculation is only the outward symptom of an underlying relationship issue. Even if therapy for the lack of ejaculatory release were successful, the resumption of intercourse would probably only cause those deeper relationship issues to burst into the open in some other form of conflict or hostility.
However, there are undoubtedly cases of delayed ejaculation which have their roots in a particular style of masturbation which the man adopted as a teenager. It’s an open question why men adopt these harsh styles of masturbation, but it’s likely that they have something to do with sexual guilt or shame.
Basically, where excessive friction and pressure is used to produce orgasm, most often seen where an adolescent boy rubs his penis hard against the mattress in bed instead of masturbating in a more normal way, he may actually condition himself so that he can only reach orgasm in later life when similar pressure is applied.
That means he’ll never reach orgasm and ejaculate during normal intercourse – the sensations just aren’t intense enough. The cure here is a self-help program which allows the man to resensitize his penis and learn to release normally as a result of the pleasurable sensations of sexual intercourse. And here it is! Dealing With Delayed Ejaculation.