Delayed Ejaculation: Making Love Normally

At first sight delayed or retarded ejaculation (DE) seems to be a very difficult sexual problem to explain at least within the framework of conventional sexual psychotherapy.

Compare that with a man who ejaculates too rapidly - who has premature ejaculation.

Most therapists think such a man is oversensitive to sexual stimuli, and possibly over-aroused during intercourse.

Treatment of premature ejaculation is comparatively easy: you can tease out the emotional issues that make a man respond to sexual stimulation with an exaggerated degree of arousal.

That isn't too difficult, and when you know what's causing him to come quickly, you can give him techniques that will increase his sexual confidence and reduce his anxiety.

This in turn will make him less likely to ejaculate too quickly. Simple, yes?

But what of the man who finds it difficult to ejaculate at all, except by his own hand during masturbation?

The man who has delays in reaching orgasm?

In general men who can't ejaculate tend to feel sexually inept and often express a degree of anxiety about their inability to reach orgasm.

Generally, the man's partner will also feel deprived of satisfaction and pleasure.

She may also feel a low level of self-esteem if she attributes her partner's delayed ejaculation to her own lack of sexually attractive qualities.

When a man with ejaculation delays looks for help, it often becomes clear very quickly that he has had the problem for years, if not decades.

And his seeking treatment is usually the result of a situation that has become unbearable for the couple. (For example, the woman wants to have a baby, or she refuses to accept the situation any longer.)

What makes this more challenging is the fact that there hasn't been a huge amount of research carried out to understand how retarded ejaculation treatment can be successfully accomplished.

And that's surprising because it's a common problem; the reality is that it occurs in about 1 man in 12.

But we do know that men who have difficulty ejaculating are reluctant to seek help.

Of all the sexual dysfunctions, this is probably the most private and least talked about.

(That in itself might give us a clue about the nature of the condition, because it hints at sexual shame. We'll look at that idea later on.)

For the moment I want to offer encouragement to any man who has problems with DE.

Although not much has been written about learning how to ejaculate normally, I believe most men can overcome the problem... if they really want to....

With the right combination of therapeutic techniques, which may include looking at a man's early experiences and beliefs around sexuality, as well as teasing out any relationship issues which are playing out in the sexual dynamic between a couple, treatment is often very successful and comparatively easy.

Of course, when underlying emotional issues play a part in any sexual dysfunction, there has to be a willingness on the part of both the man and his partner to look at what might be causing the problem.

Here, some understanding of a man's fears, any traumatic experiences that he's had in his past, or any harmful or negative relationship interactions may well speed up the cure of delayed ejaculation and give a man the opportunity to enjoy "normal" sex more quickly.

On this website we will look at the causes of ejaculatory difficulties and the treatments available, the effects that ejaculatory problems have on a couple, and also try to work out a reasonable definition.

Not everyone agrees on a formal scientific definition of the condition, but one thing is clear:

a man who has great difficulty achieving climax during sexual intercourse, or who cannot do so at all, will be very well aware he has a problem, whether or not he believes it needs to be cured.

Delayed Ejaculation Solutions

I haven't met a man yet who didn't want to be able to ejaculate during intercourse in a normal way.

I think there's a fundamental drive in everybody, in all men, to be able to enjoy intercourse naturally, and to bring it to its natural conclusion which is, simply put, ejaculating inside the woman.

A lot of women also see it this way, and when a man is unable to ejaculate as the culmination or climax of intercourse, they tend to believe this is because they are either unattractive, unarousing, or unsatisfying to him.

And I suspect that sometimes this is true.

Men with delayed ejaculation may just not find their partner very desirable. Or, indeed, very arousing.

But whose "fault" is this?

I guess at some level, it's highly likely that a man's feelings towards his partner (or the whole nature of the relationship) plays a major role in the origins of delayed orgasm.

Maybe that's why a lot of men with this problem seem to think that if they find another partner, they'll be able to overcome the difficulties they're experiencing in reaching climax!

Of course, that rarely turns out to be the case, and if he has an affair it may make things worse because he isn't dealing with emotional stuff which he will take into his next relationship.....  and so he may do the same thing over and over..... because the problem lies in him, not in his partner...

So if you're in this situation and you're hoping to overcome delayed ejaculation, it's probably wise to engage in treatment with your current partner. At least to start with!

And there will be benefits outside the bedroom: being able to ejaculate normally during intercourse seems to promote intimacy on an emotional level as well as a physical level, so treatment can improve your relationship significantly.

You can use the treatment program on this website to find a way in which it is possible for you to ejaculate normally during a climax inside a woman. Simply click on the link in the right-hand column of the top of this page to find out more.

Other pages on this site

Home ] [ Introduction To Delayed Ejaculation ] Delayed Ejaculation Definition ] Causes of Delayed Ejaculation ] Effects Of Delayed Ejaculation ] Treatment Of Delayed Ejaculation ] Contact ] Privacy policy ] Disclaimer ] About ] Delayed Ejaculation and How To End It ]

 

Introduction - Part 2 ] Introduction - Part 3 ]

 

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Quick Facts:

Most men who are experiencing delayed ejaculation - according to artofconnection.org -
  • are trying too hard to please their partner, to have an orgasm, to be the perfect lover.
  • care too much about their partner's needs and wishes to the exclusion of their own.
  • masturbate in a way not easily reproducible during intercourse.
  • struggle with issues of control - i.e. find it hard to be vulnerable to a partner, if just for a few moments.
Tips on where to start with Delayed Ejaculation Treatment:
  • Ask for what you need: be a little selfish.
  • Knowing what you like and how to ask for it may be the key to your orgasm.
  • Relinquish control and get used to having an orgasm with a partner present.
  • Self-monitor arousal: Many men become so focused on pleasing their partner or other distractions that they lose touch with their own arousal. Having an erection does not mean you are sufficiently aroused to be able to reach orgasm. 
  • Pay attention to your sexual triggers to maintain high arousal.

Beware of the reality related to delayed ejaculation:

  • Myth: You must have an orgasm to have a successful sexual experience.
  • Myth: You must come for your partner and not for yourself.
  • Myth: The longer you can have intercourse, the better it is for her.
  • Change your masturbation habits. Practice masturbating with your other hand.  Loosen your grip. Vaginas are not fists.
  • Look for different antidepressants if you are on them - some have fewer sexual side-effects, such as Welbutrin.
  • Reduce  your sexually explicit material use.
    Don't rely on any one thing to give you your sexual satisfaction. The more ways your brain learns to release you into orgasm, the more likely you will be able to come with a partner.
  • Do not divide your pleasure into yours and hers. Instead, team up to discover the best way both of you can have pleasure.

Updated August 12, 2016