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If you’re not able to have an orgasm or ejaculate during sex, then you are certainly not alone! About ten percent of men have this problem. It’s called delayed ejaculation, or DE for short (and it’s also known as retarded ejaculation). Some men find they can’t reach orgasm at all, others can do so only after long-lasting sexual intercourse, and yet others can only achieve climax with self-stimulation.

Now, this isn’t a very easy thing to talk about, so you probably don’t want to visit a sexual therapist to get it sorted out. But the good news is that you can deal with delayed ejaculation yourself, right now, quickly and easily, in the privacy of your own home.

In fact, the quickest, easiest, and most effective treatment program for DE on the internet is just a click away, on the end of this link: check it out now and you could be ejaculating normally within weeks! Here you go: Treatment For Delayed Ejaculation.

When a man has delayed ejaculation, he may not be able to have an orgasm during sexual intercourse, no matter how long it lasts. In fact, he may not be able to achieve orgasm even when he’s getting what looks like plenty of sexual stimulation. In some cases, he may only be able to ejaculate with self-stimulation.

Bear in mind that although we nearly always refer to orgasm and ejaculation as though they are simultaneous and indeed identical, they are in fact quite separate processes which tend to occur together. What we call “orgasm” is a supremely pleasant emotional and physical experience, whereas ejaculation, no matter how good it feels, is simply an unconscious reflex response generated by prolonged stimulation of certain nerves in the genital region.

Some men have been able to separate the two processes of orgasm and ejaculation, which has let them experience multiple orgasms without having any ejaculation whatsoever. This is important in understanding delayed ejaculation.

As you probably know, after a man has ejaculated, he may not be able to have another orgasm for a variable period of time – this period of time is known as the refractory period. The experience and sensation of orgasm is different for all men and of course it is also true that one orgasm may well be different to the next in the same person. Even so, all orgasms include certain features: rhythmic body and pelvic muscular contractions, a higher heart rate, greatly increased muscle tension and a final phase, possibly explosive, of release of tension. Of course orgasm is much more rooted in the brain than the body, as is demonstrated, for example, by the fact that orgasm occurs during sleep.

If delayed or retarded ejaculation only occurs under a particular set of sexual circumstances, for example with only one particular sexual partner, it is known as “situational” rather than “generalized” delayed ejaculation.

The cause of delayed ejaculation, which is a rather distressing sexual dysfunction, may be physical, but more often it’s psychological.

The physical causes include hormonal problems such as hypogonadism, hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidism, and an excessive level of the hormone prolactin. Other causes include the use of drugs, such as those used to treat high blood pressure and to control depression.

But the most likely and the most common causes of delayed ejaculation are psychological: they include various forms of depression, resentment against women, anger, guilt or shame around sex, a high level of anxiety, and fear of one’s partner becoming pregnant. There are, of course, many other psychological factors which can affect a man’s sexual responses, including traumatic sexual encounters or abuse in the past (including incest), and repression of sexual thoughts and feelings because of an extremely repressed sexual environment in a man’s family of origin.

A diagnosis of delayed or retarded ejaculation can be made when certain characteristics are present: a repeated delay in achieving orgasm, even when there has been a normal level of sexual stimulation (in other words, stimulation which, under normal circumstances, would allow a man to reach orgasm and ejaculate).

Many men who experience delayed ejaculation also find they have a low level of what we can call sexual self-confidence.

Delayed ejaculation – for which another term is male orgasmic disorder – most often occurs during sex with a partner (either male or female), but it can also happen during a man’s solo sexual experiences, i.e. masturbation. And this can be a rather different kind of problem….

If a man has problems ejaculating during masturbation as well as sexual intercourse, it’s very likely that he trained himself to ejaculate only in response to hard and vigorous stimulaiton of his penis by using particular methods of masturbation in his teenage years. His ejaculatory problems may, in fact, have nothing to do with his feelings towards his sexual partner.

Having said that, it’s also possible that a man’s delayed ejaculation may be part of a bigger picture which includes some degree of erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, retrograde ejaculation, low sexual desire, and emotional issues with sex. Delayed ejaculation occurs in men of all intelligence levels, ages, races and sexual orientations.

DE may begin to develop around the time of puberty or it may commence later in life. When it’s the result of a physical condition, the solution is usually easy; for example, stopping certain drugs or taking different medications.

When the cause is primarily psychological, counseling can be very helpful….but the problem is that most men are, quite understandably, too shamed or embarrassed to seek professional sexual therapeutic advice, so the ready availability of self-help programs for delayed ejaculation on the internet is a blessing. Check out how to cure delayed ejaculation here: How To Ejaculate Normally Within Weeks.

It’s always interesting to browse through the forums on the Internet and read people’s comments about delayed ejaculation – also known as retarded ejaculation or male anorgasmia. Usually, the forum posts are along the lines of: “It takes my boyfriend for ever to have an orgasm. Even if we have sex every day, he only comes one in every three times. Is this normal? I feel bad about stopping sex before he’s ejaculated, but he always claims that it isn’t a problem and he still enjoys sex. What can I do to make things go faster for him?”

And the answer is generally along the lines of: “Ah yes, your boyfriend is experiencing a condition known as delayed ejaculation. It’s an uncommon condition, but not that uncommon, and it affects about one man in ten. If you discuss it with him, you may come to understand it better.

“Perhaps all he needs for a delayed ejaculation cure is a discussion with you about your relationship. On the other hand, you might want to try therapy. It’s always important to go and see a doctor in any case of sexual problems, so ask him to go and see his family doctor so that he can be checked out for any problems. It’s just possible that he’s got retrograde ejaculation, where semen flows back into the bladder instead of out of the penis.

“However, if he’s really not reaching orgasm with you then that’s something quite different. Start by discussing with him how he feels about sex and orgasm in your relationship. Even though men don’t like to talk about feelings, and particularly not about sexual feelings, this is definitely a case where you have to have a discussion. Even if he really resists, you are his sexual partner, and you are the one to help him open up and say what he’s feeling about this.

“There is some evidence to suggest that men who have delayed ejaculation may be withholding their orgasm because they don’t have the capacity to trust fully in sex. The outward sign of that lack of trust is that they can’t let go or release. In other words, holding on feels safer than releasing. Ask him about his sexual history. For example, has he been hurt by another woman? Although it’s the most intimate thing a man and woman can do together, for the man to have an orgasm inside the woman’s body, this may be too threatening for some men who have been mistreated or even abused in their childhood.

“Furthermore, if you’re feeling inadequate because he’s penetrating you for long periods of time but is not ejaculating, try and overcome those feelings and share time with him so that you can be close as a couple before you start having sex. You got to tell him that penetration that lasts for a long time without conclusion can be painful and make you sore, and is emotionally unsatisfying. If you can’t do anything else, take breaks during sex and try different sexual positions. Finally, if none of this works, try and persuade him to go for therapy – here are some helpful addresses.”

Well, this advice may be well-meaning, but it’s obviously inadequate. A man who has difficulty ejaculating during sexual intercourse is a man who has serious sexual issues of one kind or another.

It’s certainly possible that a man’s delayed ejaculation may have originated in childhood sexual abuse, but it’s equally possible that he finds it difficult to reach orgasm during sex because he adopted an idiosyncratic style of masturbation as a teenager, one that was so rough and provided so much stimulation to his penis that the sensations of intercourse are no longer enough to make him ejaculate.

In this case, a simple discussion with his partner about the origins of his delayed ejaculation is likely to uncover anything helpful, even if he’s willing to engage in a discussion about it, which is very unlikely since the condition is so personal and comparatively unknown.

So the first thing to be aware of is the fact that male anorgasmia is certainly a couple issue rather than solely the man’s issue. In many cases, women think that they may be the cause of a man’s delayed ejaculation – perhaps because they’re not attractive enough.

But retarded ejaculation treatment isn’t that simple: while it’s possible that a man is finding it difficult to achieve enough sexual arousal to reach orgasm because he doesn’t find his partner appealing, this isn’t the woman’s fault – it’s probably much more about the fact that the man isn’t happy in the relationship for some reason. This may be because he’s resentful, angry, hostile or emotionally withdrawn.

In such cases, the first step in curing delayed ejaculation is always about better communication between the partners, whether this is simply having a discussion like the one suggested above, or looking for more formal counseling or even couples’ therapy. The reason for this is that the delayed ejaculation is only the outward symptom of an underlying relationship issue. Even if therapy for the lack of ejaculatory release were successful, the resumption of intercourse would probably only cause those deeper relationship issues to burst into the open in some other form of conflict or hostility.

However, there are undoubtedly cases of delayed ejaculation which have their roots in a particular style of masturbation which the man adopted as a teenager. It’s an open question why men adopt these harsh styles of masturbation, but it’s likely that they have something to do with sexual guilt or shame.

Basically, where excessive friction and pressure is used to produce orgasm, most often seen where an adolescent boy rubs his penis hard against the mattress in bed instead of masturbating in a more normal way, he may actually condition himself so that he can only reach orgasm in later life when similar pressure is applied.

That means he’ll never reach orgasm and ejaculate during normal intercourse – the sensations just aren’t intense enough. The cure here is a self-help program which allows the man to resensitize his penis and learn to release normally as a result of the pleasurable sensations of sexual intercourse. And here it is! Dealing With Delayed Ejaculation.

When the woman provokes the breakup, it is not uncommon for the man to find that he is sexually more competent with a new partner, especially if she is less demanding and expectant than his previous partner. In such circumstances he is often able to learn to ejaculate intravaginally in more general ways compared to the rather limited or indeed very specific situations in which he was able to do this with his previous partner (if in fact he was able to ejaculate during sex at all).

Such situations exemplify the fact that a woman’s internal psychic conflicts are often evoked by any improvement in the ejaculatory capacity of her male partner. This may mean that the woman sees herself as having to “service” the man, a fact which can sometimes be traced back to traumatic sexual events in her history. A relationship like this is burdened by unresolved conflicts and deep psychological wounds in both partners. The treatment for delayed ejaculation therefore doesn’t just depend on the severity of the condition, or on whether it is primary DE or secondary DE, but also on the extent of the commitment to therapy on the part of both the man and his partner.

It’s important to remember that retarded ejaculation is involuntary and unconscious inhibition of sexual response. Naturally, the goal of any treatment is to extinguish this inhibitory process so that normal ejaculation can be enjoyed by both partners. One way delayed ejaculation is treated is to use guided stimulation techniques, the object of which is to distract the man from his desire to be in control — an excessive level of control — and to increase the stimulation that is available so that he can hope to achieve orgasm more easily during coitus.

There are two basic methodologies: the first is desensitization, and the second is a process of psychodynamically reframing the man’s perceptions and beliefs about sexual intercourse.

Desensitization consists of a series of steps which have been specifically worked out to suit the man concerned: each step gradually increases the level of sexual stimulation which he is receiving, so that he can become accustomed to the new situation and learn to ejaculate before he moves on to the next. Clearly, each time he progresses to the next level of stimulation, his inhibition is lowered. In a real-life situation, a couple would be instructed to perform a series of sexual tasks which addressed gradually greater levels of inhibition. So, for example, the initial request made of the man would be shaped according to his level of inhibition and his ultimate goal of intravaginal ejaculation. It follows that the patient’s cooperation is essential: he must be ready to monitor and report the level of arousal that he experiences in each of the steps along the treatment path.

Furthermore, both the man and his partner need to be guided so that they can achieve more effective physical stimulation, perhaps using erotic fantasies and other tools to greater arousal. If the man can cope with the anxiety induced by his increased arousal, and can dispel it using progressive relaxation techniques, and if he is not threatened by his partner or by the increasing levels of intimacy that he is likely to experience as treatment progresses, and also provided that there is no neurological barrier to his awareness of increasing levels of stimulation, nor his ability to respond to it, the man should be able to give up his need for control and respond naturally to this gradual progression of stimulation towards ejaculation. Read about progressive relaxation here.

Desensitization regimes need to be flexible, and the therapist needs to be somewhat creative. Thus, for example, if a man is initially only able to ejaculate in the absence of his partner, then the first step would be to set up a situation so he could masturbate to orgasm under those conditions. A potential next step would be to have his partner in the next room while he masturbated, then in the same room at some distance away…and so on.

However the sequence is enacted, the point is that every step in the process is planned and analyzed with the couple so that the purpose of the therapy is quite clear. Should the initial desensitization be successful, additional steps may be planned until the man is able to reach orgasm and ejaculate with his partner, hopefully during sexual intercourse. Helen Singer Kaplan described a so-called bridging maneuver to conclude this process, in which the female partner kneels over her partner while she masturbates him vigorously towards the point of ejaculation; just before he does so, she insert his erect penis into her vagina so that he ejaculates intravaginally. More sexual stimulation can be provided by stimulation of the penile shaft, testicles, or his anus — a discovery made some years later.

It appears that stimulating a man’s anus is a particularly good way of increasing his level of sexual arousal during the treatment of his delayed ejaculation. Indeed, several clients have reported to us that stimulating the man’s anus has been the final trigger that has allowed him to ejaculate more easily.

On a more general level, it’s absolutely essential that a man is given “permission” to actually enjoy sexual arousal with his partner, so he can relax into an understanding of the ideal conditions for sex. To achieve this, he is instructed to be selfish, and to “use” his partner for his own pleasure; most men with delayed ejaculation initially regard themselves as being dedicated to the provision of sexual satisfaction for their partner. The concept of being selfish during sex may trigger insights and observations which help a man to understand and release his inhibitions.

It’s also important that he understands he should only engage in sexual activity when he’s sufficiently aroused and excited to enjoy it; he must understand that no matter what his erection may look like, he needs to be sufficiently aroused. (As we know, the erection of a man who experiences delayed ejaculation is often hard and long lasting, even though he may not be particularly aroused).

It’s quite likely that during an exercise like this, a man with delayed ejaculation may start to engage in negative self talk, which can both serve as a distraction and a psychological  defense: in such circumstances he should discuss with his partner what is happening, or use fantasies to increase his sexual arousal and avoid any return to a state of inhibition.

In psychodynamic therapy, it may even be helpful for the therapist to make some kind of paradoxical intervention such as “forbidding” a man to have an orgasm during intercourse; this added provocation may be effective in allowing him to break through his inhibitions around ejaculation.

All in all, sexual therapy involves a combination of psychotherapeutic methodologies which hopefully address both the man and his partner, and specifically structured exercises for retarded ejaculation treatment such as the ones on this website; these allow him to explore the unconscious hostile or aggressive defense mechanisms which delay or prevent his  ejaculation. Any other defenses such as guilt, anxiety or shame must be subject to a similar analysis.

Reframing approaches which have been developed by Apfelbaum consist of treatment which is aimed at having a man acknowledge his lack of desire for sexual intercourse and his lack of arousal during sexual activity with his partner: this allows the therapist and the man to engage together in a process in which his distorted attitudes, beliefs and values can be reinterpreted in the light of factual information about healthy sexual activity. It’s important not to focus exclusively on the man’s inhibitions, but to supportively and sympathetically make a man with delayed ejaculation aware of his subconscious processes. If he is actually unable to “give” sexually to his partner — as in, unable to give of himself and more particularly to give his ejaculation — this can be reframed into an inability to take sexual pleasure from his partner, with the focus on eliminating his conscientious perfectionism, excessive control, and desire to please his partner.

It follows that this approach is best addressed to a man with delayed ejaculation who follows the classic model of being unable to take, unable to be selfish, and unable to have an orgasm during intercourse purely for his own pleasure. Changing a mindset which is about satisfying his partner, increasing his level of stimulation, and maintaining steady progress towards the point of ejaculatory inevitability, will overcome the inhibitions of erotic flow towards higher levels of arousal and orgasm.

The underlying assumption of this treatment methodology is that a man is desperately trying to achieve an orgasm for his partner rather than for himself. By constantly monitoring how aroused he may be, and by learning that his subjective level of arousal needs to increase progressively during sex, a man can increase the stimulation he receives, respond to it with greater arousal, and more coherently integrate it into his sexual experience, all the while gradually losing his inhibitions about ejaculation. It is also necessary to make sure that a man’s inhibitions about ejaculation are explained his partner so that she understands he is in effect “trying too hard” to have an orgasm on her behalf, a situation which undoubtedly increases relationship tension; when the woman understands that, she may find it easier to be more tolerant and less demanding of him.

The British Association For Sexual Health and HIV (BASHH) has a special interest group which is concerned with sexual dysfunction. Daniel Richardson and David Goldmeier have written a paper which summarizes how the way in which the BASHH believes delayed ejaculation needs to be managed by doctors on behalf of men who are experiencing the condition.

In their paper they review the etiology of the condition, along with the physiology, its prevalence, and how best to assess the condition in individual men who have it. They also describe several possible treatment recommendations, and suggest how the outcome of treatment for delayed ejaculation might be monitored. This paper was published in the International Journal of STD & AIDS 2006; 17: 7-13.

As Richardson and Goldmeier observe, we think of orgasm as the combination of the sensations which are experienced at the moment of ejaculation plus the physical ejaculation of semen. However, they are actually two separate events: the extremely pleasurable feelings that are associated with the man’s climax are not dependent on release of seminal fluid, nor is the release of seminal fluid dependent upon the subjective experience of orgasm. See Wikipedia – orgasm for more information.

The mechanism by which semen is released, which usually occurs simultaneously with the pleasurable feelings of orgasm, is well-known: it’s an autonomic reflex response which is stimulated by pressure generated within the bulb of the urethra when semen is released into it from the seminal vesicles along with fluid from the prostate gland.

This pressure in the urethral bulb is thought to be responsible for closing the aperture of the opening into the bladder, so that seminal fluid is forced out of the body by the subsequent reflex contractions of the pubococcygeal and other pubic muscles. The reflex response involved is determined by action of the autonomic nervous system, more specifically the pudendal and hypogastric nerves, which are branches of the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system respectively.

By contrast, there is a lack of knowledge about the location within the brain where the subjective feelings of pleasure that are associated with orgasm are actually generated. Fortunately, this isn’t a matter of great importance, nor does it present a problem in the treatment and management of men who have an ejaculation dysfunction.

Historically, along with many other medical conditions, delayed ejaculation has been through a series of name changes, which have included the now less-used term retarded ejaculation, as well as ejaculatory incompetence, anejaculation, ejaculatory over-control, and inhibited male orgasm. It’s also been referred to as male orgasmic disorder, although this term has not found favor since it refers to the part of the sequence of male climax that is not specifically related to the difficulties associated with ejaculation.

A modern definition which satisfies everybody who has experienced this condition and the therapists who deal with it is: “The persistent or recurrent difficulty or delay in obtaining, or complete absence of, orgasm, even when a man has had enough sexual stimulation to bring him to climax in normal circumstances, and which elicits personal distress.”

It’s immediately obvious that this definition of delayed ejaculation includes an element of subjective judgment on two counts: first, what is regarded as sufficient sexual stimulation to help man the chief climax, and secondly as to whether or not he’s experiencing distress because of it. It would seem more appropriate to include an element of this definition around the distress of the partner, or something to the effect that the condition happens whether or not the partners wish it to happen.

(Although unusual, in the work that I’ve done with men who cannot reach orgasm during sexual relationships with their partner, there have been a few who have regarded it as being of advantage to them since it allowed the man and woman to make love for longer, possibly with the chance of the woman reaching a climax.)

How often does delayed ejaculation occur in the male population?

It’s rather hard to know, because research in this area hasn’t been very extensive. However, we do know that it’s a lot more common than has been supposed for a very long time: surveys on websites run by present reviewer suggest that the frequency is between 10 and 12%, which is much higher than 3.8% suggested by Masters and Johnson back in the 1950s. As time has gone by the estimated frequency of delayed ejaculation has increased: in the 1970s people believed that it was occurring in between 4% and 10% of male population.

One of the reasons why it’s so hard to know how many men experienced delayed ejaculation either on a short or long-term basis is because it’s actually something that men are quite reticent about discussing: there seems to be a high degree of shame associated with retarded ejaculation or any other kind of ejaculatory difficulty for that matter, which is one reason why discussion of the subject needs to be brought out into the open. Only in this way will the full scale of the problem become known.

Before we look at that, is worth just considering how much porn there is around. Back in, I think, 2004, Pamela Paul wrote a book called “Pornified”, in which she discovered the extent of Internet porn. Having started out expecting porn to be used only by “losers who couldn’t get a date” (in her words), she discovered that in actual fact pornography usage crossed every economic, ethnic, religious, educational, and social divide.

She describes herself as not being a naive person, but states that she was shocked by what she discovered: at the time there were 420 million pages of Internet porn – obviously an estimate – and by now that figure is probably more like 2 billion. It was the effect of porn that shocked her most though. She gave one example of an interview with a woman who said she was relaxed about porn, that she used it with her boyfriend used it, and that it was “fun”. However, it transpired after a few minutes’ more discussion, that in fact the boyfriend looked at porn “all night long”, that their sexual relationship was a disaster, and she was considering getting breast implants.

Now why should such a thing have happened?

From a male point of view, interacting with pornography is clearly easier than attracting with a real person in a relationship – and the same thing probably applies to gay and straight men alike. Because men are visual, or at least they are reputed to be, is not hard to see why the immediate visual impact of porn can be so compelling. But to hear of marriages breaking up and sexual relationships being “a disaster area” because of male porn use is a bit harder to understand.

One psychotherapist, Ian Kerner, has suggested a new name for this phenomenon: sexual attention deficit disorder (SADD). He claims that the easy access to Internet porn, and the sheer variety and the extreme novelty that it contains, has affected average men who wouldn’t normally have any kind of sexual problem with erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation.

He points out that people with attention deficit disorder or ADD are easily distracted, and claims that  guys with this new problem of SADD are similar in that they are now so used to the extreme level of visual novelty and stimulation in internet porn that they just can’t focus on having sex with a woman in the flesh. The consequence of this is that they find it difficult to maintain an erection, they may experience delayed ejaculation, or they discover they can only reach orgasm with masturbation or oral sex as the main means of stimulation.

He says that men with SADD find themselves getting impatient or perhaps bored during sex. While they may be physically aroused, they certainly are not mentally aroused, or at least not at the level of mental arousal necessary for satisfactory sex – a characteristic of delayed ejaculation in men. Furthermore, and perhaps less surprisingly, because many users of porn masturbate so much, they’re actually physically and emotionally depleted.

Kerner makes the point that he first became aware of this new condition because he met women who complained that their men were unable to ejaculate or were even faking ejaculation – or women who said that their male partners had become uninterested or disconnected from them during sex.

Talking to these men, Kerner discovered that it was the access to Internet porn that resulted in these men masturbating much more frequently than would be expected, and even continuing to masturbate just as frequently as they got older, even though you would expect to masturbate less as they aged. The effect of all this, claims Kerner, is to rewire the brains of these men so that they’re looking for instant gratification – “pornography enabled orgasm” in effect. And this is an idiosyncratic masturbation method – which, as anybody who has studied delayed ejaculation knows, is a major cause of the inability to ejaculate during sex.

In effect these men are now accustomed to an intense type of physical stimulation to reach orgasm, a level of stimulation is much greater than the man experiences during sexual intercourse. In addition, their desire level has decreased, and they need to have a fantasy during sex in order to maintain a hard erection. All of this sounds very much like a severe case of delayed ejaculation.

Furthermore, there are similarities between Internet porn addiction and other addictions: particularly in the tendency of men who use porn to seek out either greater quantities of it, or more extreme forms of it. In both cases, this is a response to the reduction in stimulation that accrues from the constant use of the stimulant. While it may be too strong to draw parallel with drug addiction, there are similarities.

Interestingly enough, about two thirds of men who use porn answered affirmatively when asked if they felt they could become addicted to it. So men are aware of the danger here, they feel drawn into it, and probably unable to resist.

What I find interesting about Paul’s work is that even though this work was done, I think, in 2004, she reported very similar effects to the ones discussed by Ian Kerner. In short, she said that men using pornography, no matter how proud or open they were about their use of it, often reported that they were having trouble enjoying sex with their partners. This applied to both casual users and addicts. Neither group tended to be defensive about their use of pornography, but she concluded that both groups of men had programmed themselves to only response sexually to computerized, commercialized pornography. Now that’s a frightening thought.

Paul also observed that whereas 15 years ago somebody might have gone to the video store and picked up a cassette from time to time, nowadays people who use porn can spend between 30 and 45 minutes online a day, which is what Ian Kerner found as well. It figures that you’re not going to use porn unless you want to actually get off with it: and it’s so much easier orgasming to an image on screen than negotiating with a real person to have sex.

Bear in mind that pornography use has now extended to every single group in society, parents, children, Christians, faithless people, black, white, every color in between, every social group, every level of education….. it’s completely pervasive in our society. A chaplain called Henry Rogers, who has looked into the matter, estimated that between 40 and 70% of men who call themselves evangelicals  say they struggle with pornography. In this case, the struggle might not be looking at it, but avoiding looking at it.

One of the problems with pornography, I believe, is that women feel unable to negotiate or even discuss the issue with their men. They’ve come somehow to accept that pornography is normal, even though it is undoubtedly degrading to women, particularly the more extreme forms available on the Internet. (It’s my opinion that a lot of porn is actually driven by hatred of women and anger against women, emotions which most men have to some degree, even if they’re in shadow.) The fact that women would feel it acceptable for their man to use porn, or feel that it is cool, sexy or hip to look at porn strikes me as an absolute tragedy.

Another aspect of pornography is that even when men are having trouble with delayed ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, they will maintain a denial about their addiction for a long time. Even if they’re staying up until one or two o’clock in the morning, they’re not going to do anything about their addiction until something triggers a reaction that is big enough to promote change. In addition, although it’s been denied by some researchers, it seems that men who use pornography experience a crossover into their real lives: they may start visiting sex chat rooms, going to sex workers, or visiting sex clubs. In some cases men have acted out the scenes they have seen in pornography.

I’m not concerned here with the political or social aspects of pornography, simply the effect on men sex lives, which can be disastrous, resulting in erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation.

To get some kind of resolution of this issue, you can either seek out treatment for porn addiction, or you can employ some self-help steps.

To start with, lay off the masturbation: or if you can’t do that, do it with your partner. Decrease how often you masturbate, and when you do self pleasure, usual non-dominant hand to give yourself a different, milder experience.

Next, although it may be obvious, stop watching porn so much. Although it’s not ideal, you can use fantasy to help yourself get aroused (relying on fantasy is also a key element of delayed ejaculation);  if you can focus on episodes of sex with your partner so much the better.

Finally, increase the level of sexual novelty you enjoy with your partner. Share your fantasies with each other, experiment with role-play, and take time to become aroused before you enjoy intercourse.

 If you can move on to something that is arousing but not pornographic such as tantra video, that may well help you to wean yourself off extreme pornography. The essence is to move away from your computer and into your bedroom, so you put your attention back on each other rather than on computerized sex.