Delayed Ejaculation
Information Library: FAQ


What Is This Thing Called Delayed Ejaculation (DE)?


This website is all about answering your questions and helping you understand a lot more about delayed ejaculation.

There are many questions but not really a lot of answers out there on the net.

So let's start with some information about the causes.

First things first: many men who I've seen over the years with delayed ejaculation think there must be a physical cause for this problem.

In fact, men often want to know if it's because their penis is insensitive.

Well, no, it's not. Even if it feels that way, it's not. There's something else going on. Something to do with how aroused or excited you are during sex. You see, if you're going to feel good sensations during sex, your mind has to be in the game too, as well as your penis.

The truth is that for lots of men, delayed ejaculation is caused by emotional and psychological stuff.

And, fair to say, it's also often down to the way you learned to masturbate as a teenager.

Now I know that may not be what you want to hear, but stay with me. Please read on.

men with anxiety may find it difficult to ejaculateOne of the commonest causes of difficulty around ejaculation during intercourse is emotional stress, and more specifically anxiety or anger.

Maybe you call your anxiety self-doubt, nervousness, fear, or some other name.

I'm wondering if you might feel any anxiety yourself about having sex, making love, or being intimate with your partner?

Or could you be angry with your partner, or resentful in some way about your relationship and having sex with her?

You see, the thing is this: to solve delayed ejaculation issues it can be helpful to be ruthlessly honest with yourself.

And that might mean facing up to a few things that you'd prefer to keep buried. Like whether or not you feel anxious about making love or being intimate in your relationship.

Or maybe you actually feel angry at your partner for some reason; maybe you have some doubts about the relationship; maybe you're not sure you really want to be with this person.

And maybe none of that is true. I've met men who are deeply in love with their partner and simply can't ejaculate, and just don't know why.

In those cases, it can be helpful to look back to the experiences that a man had when he was growing up.

After all, not all of us have great experiences in our family or with other care-givers. Sometimes we're made to feel ashamed about our sexual desires and urges. Sometimes our family makes it clear that sex is not to be talked about, or that it's something to feel guilty about, something that's taboo, at least "around here".

And plenty of times a guy is embarrassed or ashamed during or after his first sexual experiences, whether that's masturbation, kissing, making love, or whatever.

That can seriously affect your ability to really relax into sex and enjoy it, and can stop you feeling safe enough to reach orgasm and ejaculate inside a partner.

men who do not feel safe during sex may develop delayed ejaculationWhoa!! Feeling safe? You might be wondering what the heck I mean by that.

Well, if you think about it, orgasm is a time and place where we lose control of our bodies and our minds, lose control of what we think, what we feel, how we look, and maybe even the noises we make.

To do something so "open" and revealing with your partner, you have to feel safe with them.

Reaching climax, coming, having an orgasm, however you put it, is actually quite a vulnerable thing. You have to trust your partner and feel safe to be able to do that.

And I know that a lot of guys at this point are probably thinking there's no point trying to cure delayed ejaculation because (a) "none of those things apply to me" or (b) "some of those things apply to me but I just don't want to deal with them".

Well, here's the good news!

You actually may not have to deal with any of those things to cure delayed ejaculation. Think of it this way: in curing all sexual dysfunctions there are two ways to go.

The first is to delve into the deep, dark origins (which may not even be that deep or dark when you start digging), using the kind of process you'd have in therapy or counseling.

Then you work out what's causing the problem and do some work to put that right.

The second is to train the body to respond more quickly to sexual stimulation, to discover ways to reach the point of no return faster and easier (that's the point where you know you're going to ejaculate, come what may).

So that's about training your body to respond to sexual stimulation, and you don't have to do any of the deep psychological stuff.

I'm not denying that you might want to do the deep psychological stuff to work out what's going on between you and your partner. You might not. It's entirely up to you. The thing is you don't have to do it.

men who do not have a good relationship may develop delayed ejaculationBut one of the reasons that you might want to have a go at teasing the deeper issues out is because it can lead to a deeper and better relationship with your partner.

But if you think your relationship is doing OK, then there's no need. You can deal with the physical stuff instead, pure and simple.

And speaking of the physical stuff, one of the things that I find time and time again is that guys with delayed ejaculation have somehow trained their bodies to respond only to very hard stimulation before they can get off.

That's why they can come during masturbation but not during sex: intercourse or oral sex just doesn't give them the same level of stimulation as masturbation.

So - as a young man, did you masturbate lying prone on a mattress, thrusting against the bed? Or did you use some really hard stimulation techniques when you were growing up? It's so common. Now you might be conditioned to respond to similar stimulation.

Yet it's not hard to deal with as an adult: you just have to teach your body to respond to more gentle stimulation. And that's all described in the treatment program.

I won't say more just here about the causes of delayed ejaculation because there's loads of stuff in the treatment program to explain it all - and there's more on this website if you want to read it. However, because you're here, and you're exploring ways to deal with delayed ejaculation, I'm guessing that what you actually want to do is cut to the chase and have a look at the treatment program.

So you can do that by clicking on this link, which will take you directly to a description of the solution. Good luck!

 

 

 

 

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Emotional & Psychological Causes Of Delayed Ejaculation

photo of helen singer kaplanSex therapist Helen Singer Kaplan suggested that delayed ejaculation is often caused by emotional issues.

The most common emotion at work here is anxiety.

If you've ever felt the need to control things during sex, maybe it's a way of keeping anxiety at bay during sex.

But what does this mean? Well, you might have some deep-seated conflicts or emotional problems causing your delayed ejaculation. For example:

  • A man may not have gone through all the experiences needed for him to step into his full masculine sexual power The thing is, to become a mature, sexually confident man, a man has to have certain sexual and emotional experiences as he grows up. Without them, he may not be fully in his masculine power.
  • He may fear being "dominated" - psychologically, that is - by a woman. Maybe he sees women as somehow threatening. This is a fear from childhood, maybe his mother didn't allow him to separate, to form his own identity, or wanted to keep him as "hers". Mom might have been dominating or not respectful of his boundaries.
  • Couple Losing Control At OrgasmThere may be a connection between orgasm and fear of loss of control - I mean, orgasm can feel like you're out of control, and even that you're somehow "merging" with your partner. Not everyone likes this.... and some find it threatening....
  • Delayed ejaculation may be caused by a fear of a man's own sexuality and the power of his masculinity Not reaching orgasm withholds the most obvious power the penis has - that of releasing semen to create a new life. So could it be that difficulties with ejaculation indicate an unconscious "withholding" of one's deepest self? Who knows? It's just an idea...
  • He may fear letting go and "releasing" his semen during orgasm, because of embarrassment about the whole sexual process, or fear about revealing himself at this vulnerable moment to his partner, or the fact that he feels too vulnerable when he comes, that is, too vulnerable to be safe.
  • Hidden hostility and anger towards women can certainly interfere with your ability to reach orgasm. This is what we call "passive-aggressive", and it can be disguised by an apparently gentle and caring approach towards women.
  • Not getting enough sexual stimulation because his arousal depends on extreme paraphilia... in other words, he needs some extreme stimulation to become aroused enough to have an orgasm. Normal sex won't do it! (This is a common outcome of using ultra-hard core porn.)
  • A history of sexual trauma, guilt around sex, a fear of getting the partner pregnant, or hostility towards one woman or all women.
  • Sexual performance anxiety Anxiety can really delay a man's orgasm (oddly enough, it can cause premature ejaculation, too).
  • Relationship issues can cause retarded ejaculation. It's all about anger, contempt, fear or hate. Maybe a question to ask yourself is how you really feel about your partner.
  • Stress - as you know, it has many effects on the human condition. It often causes sexual dysfunctions of one kind or another. Not being able to come is just one of them.
  • Environmental factors include, for example, a lack of privacy in which to enjoy intimate relations, lack of warmth, the presence of children, and so on.
  • Historical factors Past sexual experiences such as childhood sexual trauma, adult sexual trauma, or any other event which has made a man believe, deep down, that sex is sinful, shameful, dirty, taboo..... whatever. You get the idea. 
  • masturbation techniques have been identified as a factor behind delayed ejaculationHigh-friction, high-speed masturbation techniques learned in adolescence can make it impossible for a man to ejaculate without hard and fast stimulation for the rest of his life (unless he resensitizes his penis to normal stimulation). This means he may not be able to come during normal intercourse - not enough pressure or friction in a vagina, you see.
  • I've met a few men who had a tendency to masturbate this way because of religious guilt... as the sign shows, such attitudes live on...

Some of this may seem hard to believe, but, when you work with men who have difficulty coming, as I have done, you can see many of these ideas played out in real life. 

But what's the common factor? Well, in simple terms, most men with delayed ejaculation are not sufficiently aroused to reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability (the point of no return).

So they never ejaculate. That's because either the stimulation a man's receiving is not intense enough to make him come, or because his own internal "arousal mechanism" is not working.

Read more about the psychological causes here.

timing of delayed ejaculationPhysical Causes Of Delayed Ejaculation

Here's a list for you....

1) The physical causes of retarded ejaculation include hormonal problems: low testosterone and high production of the hormone prolactin feature prominently here.

Men with a low sex drive may require investigation of hormonal levels as well as other therapies.

This is especially true of men over the age of 50 who may be experiencing the male andropause, which means a decline in testosterone levels and associated symptoms.

drugs and delayed ejaculation2) Other physical causes include prescription drugs. Any drug which has a sedating effect or inhibits the sympathetic nervous system or raises serotonin levels in the brain may inhibit or even totally prevent orgasm and release of semen.

These things include alcohol, antidepressants, medicine for high blood pressure, some drugs used for mental problems, and medicines supposed to reduce anxiety.

3) Neurological diseases, especially those which have an impact on the peripheral sensory nervous system, or which affect the functioning of the sympathetic nervous system, or any injury to the spinal cord, can certainly affect a man's ejaculatory latency time (that's the time between penetration and ejaculation).

4) Surgery can cause delayed ejaculation. The problem stems from damage to the nerves around the spine or pelvis - the lumbar sympathetic ganglia and associated nerves. DE may also develop after surgery in some areas of the abdomen.

(A common operation for benign prostate enlargement -- transurethral prostatectomy -- produces a slightly different condition known as retrograde ejaculation although orgasm itself is normal.)

5) Neurological problems such as multiple sclerosis or diabetic neuropathy can cause DE.

Read more about the physical causes here. Unhappily for men with delayed ejaculation, the ejaculatory reflex appears to be more sensitive to disruptions than the erection reflex.

6) Distribution theory

This graph shows the time between penetration and ejaculation and the numbers of men who come in that time. As you can see the average is just over 5 minutes.

As a result of research like this, Waldinger and his colleagues suggested both premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation are simply part of a normal human variation.

All populations, they point out, include some men who come too soon, and some who always, or almost always, experience a massive delay in doing so, and some who simply cannot manage to reach orgasm at all.

In other words, these guys are saying that lifelong delayed ejaculation is simply a normal variation found in the population as a whole. Hmm.

Try telling that to a man who can't reach orgasm. What he wants is a cure!.

Updated

October 11, 2104

10-11-2014

 

Books to read about delayed ejaculation (click on the pictures below)